i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
