I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
