I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you would pick up someone in the library
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
