if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
