rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
