every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
