woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
