Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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