Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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