U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
