i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
