After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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