I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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