My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
