every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
