I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
