He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
