This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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