They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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