dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize