it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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