i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
