someone threw a dead crab at me
so that wasnt chicken after all
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
