everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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