Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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