she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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