How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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