I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
