Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
