sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
