If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
