I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
