textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize