Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
