I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
