I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
