did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
