after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
