Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
