I want to walk on stilts...naked
my phone needs a breathalizer
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
