I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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