I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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