you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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