you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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