If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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