Define "chronic" masturbator.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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