Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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