i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Randomize
