i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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