i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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