drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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