dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
