I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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