I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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