How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
