I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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