Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I cut my penus on the lid.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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