I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
