i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
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I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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