Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
